Thursday, March 17, 2011

I am grateful...

         I don't know why God invented sinuses... someday I hope He'll tell me.  Sinus medicine - antihistamines and antibiotics - tend to wire me up.   So I'm now on day 3 of sounding like Darth Vader when I breathe through my nose but no one - and I mean NO one - around here is going to comment on it because their life wouldn't be worth anything if they did... Let's just say that when I am low on sleep, I become a bit testy...
        This morning I woke up at 1 and then again at  4.  As my feet hit the floor at 5, I burst into tears.  That's normal for me when I'm this ragged out.  I had a thousand things on my mind as I quietly dressed so as not to disturb Phil, who is also sick now and having to work as well today.   (At least I could call in sick).
       But sick or not, school is still there and one thing that propelled me out of bed this morning was a recurring mental litany of   Loose Ends that I felt needed to be tied up: confirmation grade sheets due in the office today, back-up plans for my sub in case something went  wrong (as it did yesterday), papers from the previous two days that needed to be picked up and graded, etc.
       Tension rode on my shoulders throughout my pre-dawn drive to school (5:30 - 6:00) but I didn't notice this familiar travel Buddy until an hour later when I was leaving, headed for home.  To paraphrase a famous quote, Nothing becomes Tension so much as the leaving of it. As it gradually seeped into my heart that at least one "to-do" list was done...I literally felt tension draining from me.  Ahead of me were the rose-colored  rays of a new day and for the first time since I had awakened, I was glad of it.
       As I was driving, these words came out of nowhere:  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives, do I give to you.   I think it is from John 14 but it could be several verses cobbled together for all I know.
      The next thought that came to mind was:  "I'm dispensable."  That may not sound comforting but it was.  Basically, I knew God was telling me that A) He has peace to give me if I'll accept it.  And B) If I were to suddenly  disappear, somehow, the world would keep spinning and the to-do lists would still get done. Part of my problem this morning was believing the lie that I am indispensable.  It's just not true. No one is.
      The next thing that happened was I started to give thanks - me, the dragon diva of the past few days - began to drop the what-ifs and move on to the I'm grateful fors:
      *I am grateful that I have antibiotics.
      *I am grateful that at some point, I will sleep soundly and when I do, it will feel wonderful.
      *I am grateful, as my friend Yetty used to say, that it was not my portion to wake up in the hospital this morning,  and that I have gas for my car as well as  food for my table.
      *I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.  Thousands in Japan right now don't.
      *I am grateful that although our son was suddenly hemmed in by three crazy drivers yesterday on the freeway, he was able to avoid having a wreck. I always pray for his safety when he's on the road but do I stop to thank God every time he comes home safe?
      *I am grateful that I have a husband who doesn't get upset when I'm snippy and out-of-sorts (translate: hateful).
      *I am grateful for the lovingkindness of the Lord, which, like the morning sunshine, is ready to greet me anew every day, no matter where I am physically and/or mentally. (Lamentations 3:23.. I think)
      *And yes, I am even (somewhat) grateful for sinuses.. which have a way of bringing emotional scum to the top (selfishness, laziness, whine-e-ness...) where the Lord can skim it away:)   (If you don't know it's there, you don't know it needs to go..n'est pas?)
      Soooo ... this morning...
      I am grateful!
      But I still may ask God someday (nicely) why He invented sinuses:)

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