Wednesday, March 11, 2015

It's All Good...

Late last night when the house was quiet, I was reading Scripture and praying, basically asking God why I struggle so at times. I haven't had a stellar track record spiritually this past week. Attitudes have not been wonderful, etc.
And I felt like He gave me an epiphany, sort of. (I mean, how much of an epiphany can you have in a Jim Walter home in the 'hood at 1 a.m. in the morning??)
But I felt He asked me what my goal in life was. And then answered that question for me in a moment of time. To my surprise, I actually had a goal which I was feverishly trying to accomplish.
IF you had asked me,I would have told you that I didn't. That I was content with growing older and certain that Heaven would be everything it's cracked up to be and more.
But last night in a few minutes, a curtain was pulled back, basically, and I realized that in the back of my mind I had an image of myself becoming super Christian, reaching the epitome of my spiritual development (while people oohed and ahhed around me) and then - then once I'd reached that pinnacle of achievement - then I could transition to Heaven... And not until then...
The problem is that Older Super Christian Woman looks like this:
She's skinny. I'm not. No, wait! She's svelte... (That's even worse if I'm still in the running...)
She's smart as in she's memorized the Bible (at least the New Testament) and has all the answers. I have a lot of questions and often can't remember my own name. Or my kid's name. Or our dog's name... (So sometimes I just go down the list of names in my memory bank until I hit the right one). HOWEVER I am memorizing Scripture. I memorized John 13:1 last week. And I memorized it again this week...
She's beautiful. (Aren't all successful women, Christian or otherwise beautiful?)
I'm aging but not like a fine wine, shall we say. (Lack of hormones can do a lot of things to your body, I'm finding out...)
She's leading national Bible studies. Don't get me wrong - I love video-driven Bible studies and hope to do many more. But about all I myself can do is lead a small group discussion after listening to a video... And I don't always do that well. As in I can't always see what page number the current question is on. Or I read the question with no problem but halfway through I think, "Oh gosh! I never answered that one! And I see why!! It doesn't make a lick of sense to me even now..."
The perfect Christian woman has a saintly expression on her perfectly made up face, regardless of the trials that come her way. I don't take a ton of selfies. And there is a reason for that. Let's just say when the dog has another "on purpose" on the kitchen floor and I've just realized that our gas bill has doubled which means I'll have to do battle with a phone maze and the neighborhood kids are once again coming over here with muddy feet and all I really want to do is take a nap - well, the expression on my face isn't, um, saintly. Hence not a lot of selfies...
Back to the triumphant older Christian woman - her kids really do rise up and call her blessed. Mine loves me but, um, he's not a morning person so he doesn't really speak to me when he gets up and I don't really want him to call me blessed... Just making up his bed would be fine with me...
This perfect woman lives overseas but cares for a whole tribe of adopted kids over here. Without breaking a sweat. And she writes several books about all of it ... with no help from anyone else.. And at least one is a best seller. And her kids (all grown up now) have graduated from Harvard, Oxford, MIT, Moody Bible Institute, and Cambridge and are on the mission field doing pioneer work in a tribe we've never heard of before.
And I'm supposed to be approaching the apex of that spiritual line of development?? Here on earth? Before I can transition to Heaven and expect to receive a "Welcome Home, Thou Good and Faithful Servant"???
THAT's been my subconscious goal??
As I'm digesting that startling thought, God impressed another thought on my mind, equally startling.
I promise.
It was this:
Of the two of us, only one of us expected you to do and be all that...
smile emoticon

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